I ask guidance from my Source that only what serves Love is written here
Beginning to Believe
The goal here is to write something every week – in by Thursday — and also respond to feedback in a timely way. Replies might not be “on a dime” because of other life commitments, but I will endeavor to answer within a few days at most.
Judging from the lack of response from my first impassioned posting, I considered I probably tossed everyone into the deep end of the pool without a swimming lesson! My apologies!
If I’d read what I wrote earlier on my own journey, it probably wouldn’t have meant a thing to me…
unless I was flying high… and then it might have meant too much!
There’s a quote by Anais Nin. I think it goes: “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are…” and when I wrote that posting I was caught up in seeing things “as I am…”
It’s a heck of a lot more comfortable “as I am” than “as I was,” so I’ll just have to cut me some slack for spending my time here! But I do, dearly, want to connect, so here’s another attempt!
My experience (the one that earned me eight – count em, 8! – psychiatric labels including schizophrenia!) suggests that healing involves some basics…
1) Belief Believing brilliantly – or at least better!
2) Energy Managing/releasing energy
3) Skills Gaining inter-personal skills/learning to be authentic
4) Presence Becoming ever more aware of NOW
Over the course of the postings, I’ll explain what I understand of each of these. Here’re some thoughts on…
The “bi-poles” I experienced, in a nutshell, could be summed up as: maggot – messiah. Those are two extreme ends of a spectrum of self-perception. Most “normal” people spend most of their time somewhere between those extremes. Trips to either pole enrich us by affording great understanding and empathy –they also come charged with some extreme – not always pleasant – energy!
Belief-wise, I was stuck in a relentless mental habit of self-abuse: “You’re so stupid!” “You’re worthless,” “What an a**hole, etc., [maggot].” 24/7 I harangued myself in this way. Seeing life through this lens naturally led to perceiving the world as totally unsafe, condemning and hopeless. These painful energies, due to sheer quantity, became pressurized. I blew!
What doctors term “mania,” for me, was a glorious break in the clouds! A dramatic energy explosion in response to beating the crap out of myself! And then, not only wasn’t I worthless, I was supremely valuable! I was the “One!” [messiah]
In place of all the self-bludgeoning was a sense of my utter preciousness. In place of self-hatred was a sense that I could not make a wrong move. In place of worthlessness was a soul-deep sense that I had a special function or mission. Raised an atheist, my first “manic episode” was my introduction to God!
Furthermore, as I saw, for the first time I could recall, my own beauty and value, I noticed that everyone else was equally valuable, beautiful, worthy!
Some people, even some cultures [see handout] term what happened to me as a “spiritual emergency.” Rather than something to be viewed as “crazy”, it was the avenue Spirit took to break through my agonizing mental bonds to help me find my way “home.” I forget who said it, but it’s quoted that “psychotics drown in the same waters mystics swim in.” All I know is that there was a “baby in the bath water” of my forays into altered states of consciousness — only I didn’t know it until much later.
Thinking back of my first adventure, it was hospital policy that I take my medications and “stabilize” in order to be released. The medications offered then were Thorozine, Stellazine, Haldol, Cogentin, etc., all of which felt deeply invasive and life-force deadening to me. By the time I was “stabilized” and back to “normal” I wondered how I could ever have thought such a demented thing as “God loves me!”??? Of course I’m crazy!!! That makes a lot more sense!
And I went back to doing what I knew best which was making sure I never forgot I was a piece of s**t!
It took a few years and again… I blew! In some form I did this cycle repeatedly until I finally got a clue, that for better or worse, it was a lot more fun believing God loved me and committing to learn to navigate the “highs” than it was to believe that I was human excrement on feet! (You wouldn’t think that would take so long to figure that out!)
One day the gift of this thought bubbled up: “If it feels good, believe it!”
And that led to the spiritual seeking that has provided such comfort, solace, self-responsibility, pleasure, and on and on and on… I’ll share more about this in future postings.
Thank you so much for caring to read this… I look forward to hearing from you!
to read a relevant document I thought you’d enjoy